Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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