you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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