but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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