I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
