so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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