Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize