I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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