The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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