The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
