so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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