a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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