Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
