apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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