A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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