remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
