Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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