I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My bed smells like the plague
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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