I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
