My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
