I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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