On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
