No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
