dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
