I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
