So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My penis needs a shock collar
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
