Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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