Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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