Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
