At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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