i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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