i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
