Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
