My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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