I just threw up on my dentist
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
