I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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