Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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