Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize