for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
