Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
