this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
