hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
