Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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