Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
