The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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