new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
