Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
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