I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
