What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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