It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
