I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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