You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
