what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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