No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
