At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He better not be in your backpack
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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