True but thats because hes a fetus.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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