no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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