Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
