she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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